Another Year Older
by cora-stacy
Summary: An almost forgotten anniversary has Carrie thinking impulsivly. Inspired by the song "A year ago today" by Delta Goodrem


Disclaimer: I own no one. They belong to Darren Star and all those fabulous people I worship. However, I wouldn't mine getting my hands on Mr. Big at some point. Screw the 25 year age difference ;) Also, the lyrics in italics are from the song 'A year ago today' by Delta Goodrem and are also not mine.  
A/N: The story takes place in the episode "One" between the birthday party and Carrie's date with Alexandr.

* * *

As Magda cleaned, Miranda put Brady to bed and Steve paid off the clown, those of us left at young Mr. Hobbes first birthday decided it wouldn't be a child's birthday party without a game or two. 

"I want nothing to do with this." Miranda objected. She had entered the room just as Debbie suggested charades.

"Aw come on baby." Robert cooed picking up a couple of abandoned paper plates "A little G rated fun never hurts"

"Unless it's keeping you from X rated fun as it is for me. Goodnight everyone, I'm off to sleep with Smith." We chorused goodbyes as Samantha grabbed her purse and gave Miranda a hug.

"I can't believe Brady's a year old. So much has happened." Charlotte observed. She was quietly snuggling against Harry on the couch.  
"You can say that again." Steve entered sitting down next to Debbie. "So what are we playing?"

"How about Name that Movie?" I suggested. Miranda shot me a death glare; I had just joined the enemy. Everyone agreed and before long we were passing a bowl around with tiny pieces of paper in it. Each piece of paper had a movie title and three things you were not allowed to say on it. For example, I had tossed in "Sleepless in Seattle." You could not say Meg Ryan, Tom Hanks or radio. When it came to be Harry's turn he was dying.

"Ok, uh it has that classic movie star with brown hair-"

"Elizabeth Taylor!"

"No honey not Elizabeth Taylor. Um… it takes place in this city and she likes looking in store windows-"

"Pretty woman?"

"Um no…" time was running out and Harry had to think of something quick. In a last attempt to survive he started singing.

"Moon River….." I froze. Luckily my two teammates hadn't.

"BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S!" Charlotte and Miranda shouted. Everyone cheered at Harry's singing debut. Miranda looked back at me.

"Carrie, what's wrong?" I tried to think of a lie, but I didn't have to. All the commotion had woken up Brady. "Leave it to Brady to break up his own party." Miranda rushed back to tend to him, and I grabbed my purse.

"Carrie you leaving?" Steve asked.

"Yeah I really have to be going; its nap time for me. I have a date at one in the morning." In all honesty I doubted I'd get much sleep but I couldn't let anyone see what was going on in my mind.

How had it escaped my mind so completely? Brady's first birthday meant that he left a year ago. Big had been in Napa for a full year.

_Another year older _

_A little bit stronger _

_A little bit wiser than_

_A year ago today. _

Charlotte was right; it had been one hell of a year. I had a book published, my heart broken on a post-it (yes I'm still bitter), and I got an adorable godchild somewhere along the way.

_Looking over my shoulder,_

_I was so much younger then_

_I can't believe what happened,_

_A year ago today._

When you're a kid a year seems like forever, probably because you don't have that many behind you. This one had just blipped past me. It just happened. How could he have been gone that long? How could it have been a year since I hopped out of my carriage hijacked from central park and didn't make it back in time to say goodbye.

_And I just can't forget about it_

_Or it wouldn't mean a thing_

_You went away_

_A year ago today._

It wasn't like I hadn't seen him. It had only been a couple of weeks since that night at the four seasons when he looked at me with that look that I could hate and love at the exact same second and asked "What are we doing?" the same look he gives me every time he wants to make me feel. Unfortunately usually it's when he's leaving me.

_Another year gone by_

_Oh the tears have run dry_

_Life seemed so unkind _

_A year ago today._

He even left early. He left me there in his empty apartment with nothing but a record and a plane ticket. In case either of us ever got lonely. That seemed to be our thing. We were there when the other person needed something. When I needed to believe that I had found the one, or he needed someone to challenge him. We were there. As I walked up the front steps of my building I could hear his words in my head "What are we doing?"

What **are** we doing?

_And how many times have I questioned myself_

_What more could I do?_

_And how many times could I fool myself_

_Over you?_

I ran around my apartment and looked for it. I hadn't thrown it out that much I knew. But where did I put it? I found the plane ticket in the bathroom drawer with the note still attached. "If I'm ever lonely…" Screw him, I thought, I'm lonely. I'm lonely for him. I ran around the apartment trying to pack a bag of my essentials. I wasn't sure how long I would be gone. What am I going to say to him? As I grabbed the Advil off the top of the fridge however, another note caught my attention.

"Dinner with Russian, 1 AM!"

_You've got to pick yourself up_

_Take another look_

_And dust yourself off because Life's too short_

_I'll say it to myself and I'll say it again_

_Love will never end._

I was being foolish. What did I think was going to happen? I was going to show up at him front door, pour my heart out and he would say everything I had been waiting the last 6 years for him to say? It didn't work the last ten times. He made it very clear last time he was here that nothing had changed. So I decided then that maybe it was time I changed.

The problem with a soul-shaker like Mr. Big is that even after they've spent time in your corner of the universe. They never entirely leave. The aftershocks stay with you. Was that all this was? A Big aftershock? A little earth moving to show you that that kind of destruction is always a possibility?

But the thing with aftershocks is that, normally, you are a little more prepared for them than you were for the initial earthquake. And even if you were not as prepared as you should have been, you prepare for the next time.

I ripped up the ticket.


End file.
